I opened my eyes in the darkness to hear the sweet sound of heavy rain falling on the world.
I smile to myself, invisible as I am, and listen as I drift back to sleep.
Blanketed in darkness, numb and alone,
I am connected.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
And so it begins. An amazing journey through time and space; Through the reaches of the human mind and beyond that which we know to be real. We are following an unclaimed destiny with no true end in sight. At birth, we are skin, bones, eyes, blood, and brain. Untrained, unlearned, unaccounted for. But as we grow, we become responsible for emotion, and we take on a task greater than any other species alive. As we have evolved from the conception of man, our lives have become more hectic, and more difficult to sustain. Eventually, the world we have fostered and shaped, molded for our own, will collapse beneath us, and the earth will be nothing more than chunks of heated rock hurtling through space, containing microbial species that may land and again evolve on some undiscovered orbiting celestial ball some where out in the vast reaches of space. With each end comes a new begining. We will cycle back, return to this, no memory or account of the world we know now. And so it shall end and begin again anew in some other place and time.
When I was sleeping, far away in some dreamy place... I saw two ravens dancing in an auburn sky... Dusk was setting on the world and everything was orange in the glow of the setting sun... The two birds seemed to be gliding endlessly on some unseen current of wind far above the shadow covered grass. I looked away for a moment, distracted by some movement in the brush ahead, and when I returned my gaze to the sky, the birds had gone away, leaving an empty, quiet sky. This silence in the world brought a tear to my eye, and I wept for all things lost and unseen. When I awakened from that dream, I saw a raven at my window sill. He sat for a moment, staring through my soul, and then vanished... Leaving only a dead empty silence between me and the world. Soon, in the midst of pure, sweet silence, there came a gunshot that rang in my ears long after I was gone.
As we rounded the bend in the old street where the trailor park once stood, we noticed a small abandoned house choked by weeds uncut, and brush unmanaged. The front door was found locked from the inside and the screen door was missing its screen. Somehow, it looked like a welcoming escape from the heat and we plodded over the loosening earth to check the back door. We found an overturned stone table in the back yard, along with a few other bits and pieces of old furniature. Extending out into the lowtide river, a creaky wooden dock caught our eye as well as the busted glass at the back of the building with a clear entry and view inside. Glass lay everywhere from the work of previous vandals breaking and entering and one of the rooms seemed occupied by a squatter. A metal bowl filled with coals and burnt wood was sitting neatly in the closet, an open beach chair against a wall, small candles, matches, and various other objects lay scattered in an organized madness on the floor. Still, the other rooms are more than bare, with the exception of the roach carcasses scattered about the entire house.There is a kind of serenity here, in the oddest of places. A musky old home still filled with the hopes, dreams, memories, and lives of the people who once resided there... An old creaky dock where a grandfather may have taught his son and his sons to fish....The sun sparkling off the water as it laps against the clay and sand....
'Do you know the date?'The question startles me, breaking the silence without the usual deep sigh to warn the listener that my mother is about to open her mouth.'No. I couldn't say.' She gives me a knifely look as if to say that the date is the ONE thing I SHOULD know. I shrug and raise an eyebrow at her surprising malcontent at such a small matter, as she consults a small calender she pulls from her purse, spilling some other papers out with it. She goes on with writing in her journal, ignoring me when I ask her about going to the grocery store. I reluctantly shuffle into the kitchen and scavenge for food I know isnt there. I make a piece of buttered toast and go upstairs to my room, shutting the door behind me. She's obviously just not having a good day, I tell myself. My rats are at the edge of their cage now, beckoning me to stick a few bits of my toast through the bars. I open the cage and hand them each a bit of crust which they take in their paws greatfully, stuff in their mouths, and hide beneath their aspen bedding. I search for something to hold my attention and make me forget about the hungry, still mostly empty, hole in my belly. But, the search is fruitless. It turns out I have not only been wasting money all my life, but I've bn wasting it on junk like clothes and small figurines for interior design. I suddenly become dissapointed in myself, put on my shoes with a grimace across my face, and head out the front door. I smoke a cigarette under the overpass, listening to the heavy sounds of cars speeding just a few feet above my head. The sun is going down, I am alone with a half a pack of cigarettes and no place to go but home. I choose against it and wander. Wander until I'm so far from home for so long that I no longer even believe in time or distance... I forget what they mean. When someone asks me the date, I tell them "The first day of forever. And we'll leave it at that".
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Im loathing the disrespect, lies, and deciet. Im overwhelmed at the mud on my feetIm so sick, so fucking tired, Im slightly high but what's more's I'm wired. Ready to swing, ready to sing Ready to tell you what's happening. Outside, inside, southside, she tried To pull it all out and over my eyes But she's not too wise Cause I see with my soul This empty hole She calls her life. Shes a very sneaky girl and I think she likes it. Her boyfriend knows shes crazy but I think he fights it. She acts like a child and he likes the innocence She looks like her mother but he fights the inference. She pretends and pretends and fakes it so well But deep down, she's cracking her shell. Outside, inside, southside, she tried To pull it all out and over my eyes But she's not too wise Cause I see with my soul This empty hole She calls her life. She looks down on our lives And when she arrivesIts half past too fucking late Half past love and an inch till hate. It's on her plate. A big spoon full of 'out the door' Have you tried the indecision? It's to die for.