Thursday, February 21, 2008
First Day Of Forever
'Do you know the date?'The question startles me, breaking the silence without the usual deep sigh to warn the listener that my mother is about to open her mouth.'No. I couldn't say.' She gives me a knifely look as if to say that the date is the ONE thing I SHOULD know. I shrug and raise an eyebrow at her surprising malcontent at such a small matter, as she consults a small calender she pulls from her purse, spilling some other papers out with it. She goes on with writing in her journal, ignoring me when I ask her about going to the grocery store. I reluctantly shuffle into the kitchen and scavenge for food I know isnt there. I make a piece of buttered toast and go upstairs to my room, shutting the door behind me. She's obviously just not having a good day, I tell myself. My rats are at the edge of their cage now, beckoning me to stick a few bits of my toast through the bars. I open the cage and hand them each a bit of crust which they take in their paws greatfully, stuff in their mouths, and hide beneath their aspen bedding. I search for something to hold my attention and make me forget about the hungry, still mostly empty, hole in my belly. But, the search is fruitless. It turns out I have not only been wasting money all my life, but I've bn wasting it on junk like clothes and small figurines for interior design. I suddenly become dissapointed in myself, put on my shoes with a grimace across my face, and head out the front door. I smoke a cigarette under the overpass, listening to the heavy sounds of cars speeding just a few feet above my head. The sun is going down, I am alone with a half a pack of cigarettes and no place to go but home. I choose against it and wander. Wander until I'm so far from home for so long that I no longer even believe in time or distance... I forget what they mean. When someone asks me the date, I tell them "The first day of forever. And we'll leave it at that".